This isn't a post with smoke and mirrors. Since the "diagnosis" of codependency, I'm seeing life in a whole different life. Codependency is regularly associated with chemically codependent and/or abusive relationships. That's not true. Codependency can be as much as never taking care of yourself, to the point you don't even recognize yourself in the mirror.
Full disclosure, I was not spoiled as a child, but I wasn't told no very often. I wasn't clinically diagnosed with bipolar one disorder until March/April 2017, so growing up bipolar and un-medicated was a definite point of contention with my family. They all walked on eggshells around me, which was probably why I wasn't told no very often.
But, from as long back as I can remember, it's always been that others come first. Make sure you have everything needed taken care of settled but always give until you can't. it wasn't necessarily the way I was taught but more the way my family households ran, but emotions were never really a conversation that appeared at the forefront, so I constantly repressed every emotion I ever felt.
I always put forth as much of myself as I could in any relationship I formed, whether it was a friendship or romantic. It was always, "what can I do for you? What do you want to eat/do?" the focus stayed on the other person. I dedicated myself to pleasing other people. I tried to please everyone and no matter how many times the lesson of "you can't please everyone" arose, I ignored it and kept pushing to find a way. For some reason, it was embedded in my psyche that I was the one who could prove society wrong and please everyone. Please take it from personal experience and don't.
Slowly, I began to lose myself. I look back now, and in high school I blossomed, at least once I moved to my dad's. (That's no bash at my mom, the school at my dad's just had more to offer.) I bounced from relationship to relationship, as high schoolers do, but I found personal interests. I took to the stage and immediately found myself. I found where I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to do. Looking back, I halted my life and gave up my dream to follow a boy. I lost myself right then and there when I said that I could find something else to interest me at the school he went to. Then we broke up, as high school couples do. I felt so lost. I had no idea where to go or what to do with my life so I ran, I ran right into the first relationship I could find where I was needed. I lost myself there too, this time to abuse. For seven months, I was treated as nothing. My responsibilities felt like much of Cinderella and I was constantly waiting for my Prince Charming to rescue me. I rescued myself. I couldn't wait any longer. I ran again. I ran to the next relationship I could find. And that one lasted about the same amount.
Slowly, my friends and family became distant from me, not by their accord but mine. I kept in touch with a few here and there, but mostly I surrounded myself with my significant others' friends and family, abandoning mine and only running to them when things got bad. I constantly craved acceptance and self-assurance because I never felt good enough from my abusive relationship and being bullied throughout school. So, I started partying and drinking my young adult life away to be part of the in-crowd. And, ever so slowly I developed chemically dependency on things I should've never touched unless I could do so responsibly.
Slowly, I stopped pursuing my interests. I stopped going to school. I stopped drawing and going to performances. I stopped spending money on makeup. The only things I did were: go to work, come home to shower and change, then run over to whoever's house to spend time with them. I never spent even 10 minutes to myself to just meditate and relax.
Slowly it started to build up. All the burdens of rescuing people, all the repressed emotions, all the grief; everything that I had held so deep for so long, so quickly erupted into anger and resentment. I projected every bit of anger onto anyone and anything I could find that frustrated me in any way. I stopped taking my medicine. Slowly, I ate away at myself because I couldn't even look in the mirror due to the disgust I saw. The bags under my eyes were black, I would stand hunched over, I could never give eye contact, I wore nothing but baggy clothes that weren't even mine. I hated myself and everything I had to deal with. Still, I think, "Why me? Why am I the one who gets caught in the whirlwind of all this drama? Why am I the one people come to to be rescued? Why can't I find myself and take care of myself?"
It's solely because I have neglected myself for so long I see nothing but a shell of who I used to be. Living with codependency isn't always having an alcoholic at home, or an abusive relationship, because no one in my house or in my life struggle with such things, at least not that they've voiced or I have noticed. My therapist said it best: "Codependency can be as simple as only feeling pleasure when other people are happy, and grasping your feelings of self-worth from that pleasure. Codependency can be as simple as obsessing over someone or something. Codependency doesn't have to be abuse. It doesn't have to involve alcohol or drugs. Codependency is common and it's okay. You can, and you will be, strong enough to help yourself."
Every day, I have to constantly remind myself to take care of, well, me. I can't dedicate even 10% of myself to anyone or anything if I'm not at 100% myself. There are going to be bad days, weeks, months. There will be traumatic events happen that brings your life to a standstill. When those things happen you can't neglect yourself. Take care of others but take care of yourself first.
Through my journey through codependency, I've loved and lost, I've had my waves of grief, I've strayed from the path and meandered back towards it. But most of all, I've found myself. Going through this journey, it was the hardest thing I had ever done, being honest with myself. I let every bit of anger and every other type of repressed emotion out. I detached myself from the things and people I was obsessing over. I stopped playing the victim and taking care of everyone but myself. I found my passions again and have begun pursuing them again. I found love and happiness in myself.
Living with codependency is an everyday struggle, but with the right support groups of friends and family, I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
*10/10 recommend Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I've never read something more eye opening.
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