father…

this is a hard topic for me to write on, but writing’s become one of my stronger coping mechanisms so i think it’s time i write this down. from a very young age it was engrained in my brain you never wanted me, that you never signed my birth certificate, nor did you plan on it, and on top of that you were going to sign your rights away from me. i was four or six in that vivid memory. most of my childhood, as well as most of my life, i feel as though i’ve chased after you for validation and affirmation opposite of what my mom’s family raised me believing. but you left me chasing without a destination to reach, and because of that i’ve never felt good enough. when i started my journey to break the toxic cycles in my family, i realized through therapy where my problems lie. as blunt as it is, most of my problems stem from you. i’ve always felt as a burden. not only that, but i was never taken seriously. my senior year of high school you forcefully outed me by going through my cell phone and cornering me in a confrontation in your car after picking me up from work after you decided it was time for me to get a job. not long after that, my genetic kidney condition caused a severe kidney infection. having them my whole life and i know the signs and my body and have come to the full understanding that these infections don’t go away, but instead must be fought with antibiotics. instead of taking me to a physician, i was handed AZOs, cranberry juice and water until my girlfriend at the time had to carry me out of the school to my ride, who happened to be my stepmom. she took me to the urgent care that my physician resided at, meeting you there after yelling at me about having to go to the urgent care. i sat in embarrassment while you berated me in front of classmates that were inside the urgent care as well. i wasn’t taken seriously when i had a cold, even though my kidney condition has caused my immune system to be at a weaker functionality and you knew that. instead, you gave me robotussin until almost a month passed and you couldn’t accuse me of improperly taking the medication any longer; and when i was finally taken to the doctor it wasn’t for my health it was because it caused an inconvenience to you and your wife’s sleep the night prior, and wouldn’t you know i almost had pneumonia my case of bronchitis was so severe. and to think that started as a cold a month prior. making me buy my toothbrush and toothpaste with my graduation money was great memory as well, especially knowing i was going to have to find somewhere to live since you refused to help me in getting a car or a license, nor would you give me reliable transportation for me to work to earn those things myself. maybe it’s because you didn’t have a strong bond with your father. maybe it’s because when i came about you genuinely weren’t ready to be a dad. maybe it’s because i genuinely am not good enough. i’m not sure. i honestly am lost as to if i’ll ever know, when it comes in comparison to your two children you have with your wife. it seems as though i’m just set to reside on the back burner. i know i’m done wondering, though. the past ten years have been really rough. i’m exhausted. and i don’t have the stamina to keep chasing. so i’m closing the book. i can’t keep trying to voice how unloved and unwanted i feel when i’m shut down and immediately invalidated by the words “i don’t know why you think that because you know i love you.”

i’ve learned a lot since having my daughter. but this is what i will keep standing for until i take my last breath. just because you create something doesn’t mean you love that creation. that’s not me saying i don’t love my daughter. but instead, it’s me realizing that my daughter will never have to force herself into my life. and i’ll never give her the excuse “i’m just not the type of person to call first.” because i want my little girl to understand how much i want her in my life, and how much she means to me. it is YOUR responsibility as your child’s parent to keep that relationship alive, and aide your child in understanding the true meaning of unconditional love. if you leave your child chasing, just why?… in my case specifically, why are you a father? i say father reluctantly, as you don’t deserve that title; most certainly not daddy or dad for that title is earned, and unfortunately that title has been revoked now that i’m free.