Getting out of bed is so difficult. Smiles are forced. The waterworks flow at literally everything (literally. I ran over two squirrels the other day and bawled for an hour).
How do I do it? How is someone so deeply depressed, but joyous and extroverted at the same time.
Every morning I wake up, roll over, and see my sweet little ball of sunshine sitting up in her crib, playing and waiting for me. The moment she sees me she reaches her arms up for me to grab her. That. That alone makes every miserable second worth it. Blake has been the upmost supportive person I've ever been with in my life, and I'm beyond lucky to marry someone like him. Day in and day out, it's about how proud he is of me for doing the little things today like cleaning or cooking dinner, or even just napping with Blakely. The family we've created is my sole purpose for everything.
For so long, I walked along the path of life lost and confused, but once I laid my eyes on Blakely and held her for the first time, it all clicked. This is what I'm meant to do, be a mother.
Depression isn't what everyone thinks it is. I still laugh, I still go out and do things, and I still interact with my friends. The frequency and how I go about my life is what changes more often than not. Then the waves of depression come in with a manic episode due to my bipolar one disorder, and that's when it becomes crippling. There are days I have to make Blake stay home from work so he can care for Blakely because the thought of getting out of bed makes me cry myself into a panic attack. There are weeks where I go days without eating. I forget to take my medicine, and it ends up worse than it was. Honestly, if I didn't have Blake, Blakely, or the support system of friends and family, I honestly don't know if I would still be here.
The key to finding happiness and how to conquer your demons is something that's taken me my whole life to comprehend, but you have to find happiness in yourself. You HAVE to put yourself first. You HAVE to find motivation in yourself to become a better person tomorrow than you are today. There are many things that I don't like about myself, things that I can't stand, but I focus on the parts of myself that I love, like my kindness to strangers or how genuine I am. I find happiness in making others happy, but I know that I have to become happy with myself before I can accomplish anything for anyone else.
If you suffer with depression or just need someone to talk to, all of my contact information can be found on Deck the Hall's! I'm a stay at home mom, so message me anytime you need anything. I love each and every one of you.
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