PostPartum Depression. Why am I feeling the way I am and when will it end?
Don't be afraid. You're not alone, no matter how alone you feel. And that's not to say that you're the same as every other person with PPD, but there are others that feel just as alone as you. The important thing is that you get help, as soon as you can.
Postpartum depression (PPD) can affect any woman during pregnancy or after childbirth.
When Blakely was first born, I held my child and felt so much love for this tiny human laying innocently in my arms, but she felt like a total stranger. It felt like the premature baby I was holding wasn't mine. I knew this feeling wasn't normal, but I thought it would pass sooner rather than later so I didn't speak up.
Please, for your child, don't hesitate. It's not good for you or for that innocent little baby. And chances are if you struggle with it, it won't just go away on its own.
I spoke about it in a previous blog post, but I struggle with Bipolar One Disorder, and believe me, being pregnant as well as a mom is definitely not a walk in the park on its own, but when you add in manic episodes and serious bouts of depression, it gets even harder. The days after our daughter was born, she began going through withdrawals because of the medications I had to take for bipolar and depression, and to watch her small, fragile body seize repeatedly just broke my heart.
It was so confusing, my heart ached and it brought me to tears every single time she seized, and I blamed myself when there wasn't any blame to pass around and, as any mom or parent would, I wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from my child and put it onto me. But at the same time I didn't know where any of this was coming from. Logically I knew Blakely was MY daughter, MY flesh and blood, but it just didn't register with me emotionally or psychologically.
While we lived with my grandparents the first few months of Blakely's life, people came and went to visit me and Blakely while Blake was at work, and of course they wanted to hold Blakely. Without hesitation I allowed them, and while they were holding her I wanted nothing more than to hold my child, but when I would there was nothing but emotional disconnect, and I couldn't figure out where it was stemming from.
What made me get help was the fact that no matter who told me I was getting the hang of motherhood fabulously, and I just could sit there and think "I barely take care of her. I take her up to my grandparents while I go downstairs and sleep for hours at a time." Yeah I was the one to be up with her all night and for the last half of the day, but where was I when she needed/wanted her mom and not great-grandparents?
It took a lot for me to admit I needed help once again. But, with vulnerability comes strength I've found. Going to my doctor and coming forward about the emotions running through me and the disconnect I was experiencing, it was so cleansing and comforting to hear that I wasn't alone in my despair. They put me on two antidepressants that go hand in hand to help one another.
Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and weeks, but knowing that it's more common than not, and that I'm not alone and I'm comforted in a way. There are thousands of support groups of moms and people feeling the same as you, or similar, and they're better able to aid you in your time of need.
Don't be afraid to get help. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Take care of yourself for your child, for your family, and most importantly for yourself. I believe in you. You've got this in the bag.
Comentarios