I remember everything. I remember growing up together in church. I remember our childhood puppy love. I remember you calling me to tell me that Lanny had died. I remember trying to save you from the reckless life you were living. I remember you leaving Georgia. And, I remember the night you raped me.
You were someone I trusted. Someone my family trusted. My mom still has memories of you in her home. Someone I never thought would take that kind of intimacy and power away from me. For months I had convinced myself that nothing had happened because you had never physically penetrated me. I convinced myself that it was my fault, that I had sent you the wrong signals. I convinced myself that you never assaulted me, not that I lied about you doing what you did, but that I read what happened wrong.
For months I didn't let Blake touch me, not even hold my hand in the car. For months I cried getting into my car, I refused to drive anywhere by myself. I couldn't go near my car because the moment I saw it I thought of what you did. I smelled your cologne. I heard your heartbeat. I felt your hand in my hair pinning me down to my console. I let you take everything from me. I lived in fear because of what you did. I lost every bit of myself because I let what you did to me define me. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I refused to talk about what you did; I suppressed it so deeply that I still don't talk about it.
But this, this moment right here, is where I take my stand. Right now is when I take my power back, when I take my life back. I can't take back that night. I can't take back going out of the way to spend time with you just for you to betray me in ways I never thought possible. But I also can't stop living my life because of the trauma you caused.
To the one who assaulted me: today, I choose myself. Today, I choose my daughter and my husband. Today, I choose not to let my sexual assault define me. Today, I'm free.
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